If I Were a Wizard...

1. I'd be ecstatic.

2. I wouldn't call myself a witch. I'd be a wizard or a mage. Remember, I reserve the right to genderalize. Plus, witch is an angry-sounding word.

3. I'd found Boarmeasles School Of Wizardry. Or maybe I'd establish Bar Valon (I'm sure Robert Jordan, may he rest in peace, would love his White Tower to become Blackout Tower, which has spray fountains of vodka). I would then send myself my own acceptance letter to Boarmeasles School of Wizardry and cry with happiness at this fulfillment of childhood dreams.

4. I would open up a wizarding furniture shop on the side. You never see wizards doing mundane things like making furniture in books and movies but they need it, too! And if you're living in a Snuggle-phobic or Snuggle-ignorant society (Snuggles are non-magical folk, of course), then you need to get your furniture in a Snuggle-free area. Hence, the Enchanted Chaise store. Get all your supernaturally comfortable couches and supreme storage devices at Enchanted Chaise, where the employees are charming and the prices are so low you'll think it's voodoo!

5. I'd never get up again. I would use the Force my magic wand my magic staff my telekinesis my magical levitation powers, however the hell I would implement them, to summon my things to me. Sitting on my couch, watching WET (Wizarding Entertainment Television), I would call a Snuggie to me (not to be confused with Snuggle), food, beverage, books, deodorant, everything! I would use my magic powers to stay clean and I could just relieve myself right where I sat and simply vanish the mess away!

6. I'd figure out how magic actually works (does it violate principles of physics as Snuggles know them? Can they create food or substance? If so, can anyone be poor? What can it do and what can't it?) and I would then write a fantasy series that includes these technical details. People would be so impressed that there are no plausibility issues in my incarnation of magic that it would quickly become a bestseller and my fantasy world would soon surpass Middle Earth in popularity of references.

7. I would make myself a better singer and artist.

8. I would not do any humanitarian work of any kind. In the wizarding world, we believe Snuggles must handle their own affairs, else our help would hamstring them, leaving them incapable of doing the tiniest tasks on their own. It's really in their best interest.

9. I would make a soundtrack for my life. I would charm music to play around me at least 60% of the time, adding dramatic, comedic, romantic, and/or epic effect to my life. This would have the by-product effect of making me at least 6000% more popular.

10. I would eradicate pants. No more pants to hinder our daily lives! BE FREE OF THE PANTS OPPRESSION! The articles-of-clothing-which-shall-not-be-named are truly a blight on our world.

I anticipate this list will grow. Maybe it will be a 100-part installment.