Rockapella is Going to Need to Compose a New Theme Song

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiago? We all know it, we all love it. But let's face it, we need a new version: Where in My Town Are Useful Places and How Can I Get There?

Maybe children need to be educated about geography and world culture, but I am still lamentably ignorant about both topics and would have liked a more practical education. I'm talking about when I got my license and suddenly realized...where the f*ck is everything? I could get to school. I knew where the nearest grocery store was. And my bank. I knew intellectually where my church was but still got sweaty palms (and armpits) driving there on my own the first two or three...or fifteen times.

Suddenly I need to run errands, give blood, go to the doctor's new office, find a car dealership to get my car inspected. I don't know where these things are and my incredibly nervous, anal self comes perilously close to imploding when these completely unknown, uncontrollable situations pop up. And pop up they do. In spades. For instance:

I'm driving down a busy highway in a hurtling mass of steel, surrounded by complete morons, who are, by the way, also in hurtling masses of steel, having no idea where I am. Of course, I have looked up directions, but that is no replacement for the experience of actually driving there. I am hunched over my steering wheel with the AC pounding on my face despite the fact that it's a comfortable 70 degrees outside because I am a nervous sweater (haha that looks like I'm a sweater...like a cardigan. But what I meant was that I sweat when nervous. It's punny) and I can't look at all the buildings and street signs when I have to make sure Mr. Drives-an-SUV-on-steriods-while-talking-on-his-cell-phone-and-drinking-coffee isn't going to annihilate me. And then there's the lane-changing situation. I have to be in the correct lane as soon as humanly possible. Correct lane = the lane I have to eventually be in. If I have to turn left in 8 miles, I have to be in the lefternmost lane that doesn't end before my turn this very instant. If I am not in the correct lane the first second that it is conceivably possible for me to be in it, then my eye twitches, I am reckless in my need to get into the correct lane, and I think I build up an aneurysm. I'm pretty sure you can't actually do that, but it sure feels like it. Like I'm logging brain stress time and when I get to 50 hours, I'll receive a complimentary aneurysm.

Then what if someone says, "Hey, let's go to Wendy's," and I don't know where one is in this part of town? My pupils shrink in fear and anxiety.

"Is there one around here?" I ask casually. Please God let us have to drive six miles the way we came to go to the Wendy's near my house. Six miles of traffic is kind of a big deal in a mid-sized city.

"Yeah, just down 17 on the right," he replies. I grimace smile to let him know I'm on board with the Wendy's plan but I'm thinking what lane do I need to be in? I've never gone into a store on 17 in this direction. Is this lane turn only at the next stoplight? Shit! I have to change lanes RIGHT EFFING NOW OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO CRASH AND DIE IT'S SO HARD TO TURN JUST MY HEAD AND NOT MY BODY!!! And then there's the searching for the Wendy's, which is inevitably a ninja until the last possible second when Spawn of Satan Who Wanted Us To Go To Foreign Wendy's suddenly says, "Yeah it's right here. Turn right there." And I do a 90 degree turn into this Wendy's and then, after all this, I have to dangle half my body out of the car window to reach my food because I was so afraid of being too close to the Drive-Thru window that I parked approximately a mile away from it.

If I had had Where in My Town Are Useful Places and How Can I Get There?, then I would have had a driving simulator to show me how to get to any business, house, road, or school in town and I could pretend drive there hundreds of times before actually driving there! Then I could be 60% relaxed on a first-time excursion, instead of 0% relaxed.

I could also learn about what times businesses are open, how friendly their customer service is, and how pricey they are, but only with the Deluxe Edition! And I could be tipped off about tricky driving maneuvers, such as unanticipated speed limit reductions, hidden turns, gravel roads, and those weird side roads for people who want to stop in shops and not go fast which I know have a specific name but I can't remember it.

God, what a great idea. Someone should get on that. MapQuest meets Google Earth meets the General Internet, and More! If only this had been around three years ago...