Fictional Loves

I have a list of all the fictional men with whom I am in love. I have stopped obsessing over these men since I got a boyfriend who insists on marrying me (party pooper), but they're still there, in the back of my mind. Waiting in the wings for the day that said boyfriend either A- decides that I am foul and he does not want to see my ugly mug ever again, or B- dies. I will give you a brief sample of the list. Don't be intimidated by my vast literary knowledge; if you don't recognize a name, it's because he's from a book far too sophisticated for you to understand, not at all because he's from a teen fantasy novel (<_<).

1. Mr. Darcy (Standard fictional love list fare.)
2. James Potter (Oh-ho. Threw a curve-ball at you there.)
3. Vidanric Renselaeus (You probably have no clue who that is)
4. Anakin Skywalker (I would have turned him from his Dark path...)
5. Nawat Crow (His blind adoration is so wonderful)
6. Rhett Butler (Who needs feminism when there's Rhett Butler?)

Now, these are just the first five that popped into my head. There are thousands more, like Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables, or Calvin from A Wrinkle in Time, Jamie from Outlander, or Alistair from Dragon Age (that one's a video game). So many paragons of masculinity to adore, so little time!

Why do I think about these nonexistent men when I have a real one to love? Well, first off: you say they're nonexistent but you can't prove it, so let's stop the Judgment Train from rolling into Bigot Station. It's needed at its final destination, Skynet Platform. Second- James Potter is never going to love me. In the alternate universe he lives in, he is completely devoted to Lily Evans. So even if I were to travel to this other dimension, there would be no room for me in his heart.

Thus he resides safely in my imagination and can never:

A- Reject me. James would never turn me down, because where would he go? If he steps out of my psyche, he dies, because he my psyche's projection of a fictional character. He only exists in my brain.

B- Fight with me. What would we fight about? We're perfect for each other! He does magic, I love magic! He picks on Slytherins, I hate Slytherins! Match made in... what do wizards believe in? Merlinland? I instinctively want to shorten that to "Merland", but that sounds like Triton's turf.

C- Stop worshiping the ground I walk on. The problem with real, adult men is that they understand adult relationships are about respect and partnership. Thus, my boyfriend finds the idea of worshipping me ridiculous. However, women who were brought up on Disney movies know we can only be truly happy when somehow is devoting 100% of their attention on fawning over us. (PS- Did you know that "worshipped" and "worshipping" can be spelled with one P or two? Fascinating!)

D- Tell me my obsession with fictional characters is unhealthy. I think that one speaks for itself.

All the ladies out there- don't be ashamed to still love fictional characters! Daydream all you want! Don't let your boyfriend make you think you're silly or that you're mind-cheating! It's a way to figure out what you do and don't like in a guy. It will help you develop a litmus test for future boyfriends or, if you're stuck with the guy forever, figure out exactly why you don't like them. This can be helpful for better conflict resolution.

Marital conflict without a solid fictional love list:

Husband: I don't understand what you're bitchin' about. I made dinner, didn't I?

Wife: Yes, but only after I asked you to and complained about it!

Husband: Oh, so you didn't really want me to make dinner, you just wanted to whine about it?

Wife (hysterical): I wanted you to do it WITHOUT ME ASKING! You never think about me and all you do is watch football and eat Vienna Sausage on the couch and Mary's husband makes her candles with romantic food lit!! Waaahhhhhh....

Husband (confused and irate): Woman, you be crazy! Don't take your "lady-time troubles" out on me!

Husband stomps away to guzzle beer and grumble, "Unbelievable!" to himself over and over.

The fight ends with silence, tension, and zero conflict resolution. Now, let's see how this would have played out if the wife had devoted a portion of her time to fawning over nonexistent men:

Husband: I don't understand what you're bitchin' about. I made dinner, didn't I?

Wife: I just think that you want credit for being thoughtful and nice for making dinner, when you only did it after repeated complaints. You're only trying to placate me. Sometimes, a woman needs pampering, to feel like her man wants to make her the happiest woman alive, because she makes him happy just by existing.

Husband (stunned by the eloquence of this speech): Uh...yeah. I guess you're right, honey. I'll try harder.

Wife: Oh, thank you, snookums.

They smooch and are 100% happy.

There you have it! You will no longer be an emotional cesspool of fermenting irrationality, ranting angrily about foot massages and being generally ineffective.

Once again— you're welcome. If you need recommendations for characters to obsess over, I am a multimedia encyclopedia. I've got movie, TV, books, cartoons, comics... characters from all walks of media!